Not that anyone is actually reading this or anything, but I've decided to postpone this cause I'm not interested in writing it anymore. especially seeing how many other people are writing Werewolf fanfics on Wattpad.

http://wattpad.com/figgyfan

Find me there and maybe look at my other stuff that I plan on continuing but haven't found the motivation to doing yet.

Well, that being said, I'm turning this into another tumblr like thing. I'm going to talk about all the things I don't want anyone to read because I want to say it all and no one read this.

perfect solution, right?  I did the same thing on Tumblr but then I realized some friends are following me there so that won't work. Some might be following me on here, but I don't think they check it SO

here's that tumblr post.

It's long, just a warning.

I really don’t understand myself.

I know I need to write my stories (need is probably to strong of a word. Let’s try should…nah, that still sounds too demanding. How about ‘would like to’ yeah, much better.) I know I would like to write my stories. I have all the time, I have plenty of idea’s but even when I open up the page I refuse to type it. When I have a black piece of paper and a pen/pencil writing utensil, I purposely don’t do it. 

I hate it but I do it anyway because I’m so use to putting things off that even the things I enjoy get put off in favor of less taxing things. I’ll stare at the computer for hour refreshing pages and not talking or rolplaying or reading instead of doing something like writing or homework or something else that I know I can do and actually want to do…

I piss myself off.

Why the hell am I so indecisive  Why the hell do I want people to baby me all the time and why in the FUCK do I get depressed when they do the opposite cause I’m being annoying on purpose? Why don’t I want to stop? Why do I keep putting things off, hoping that a miracle will happen like in books and movies. I want to have a chance encounter with someone that changes my life, I want to get close to someone and yet I’m so embarrassed and self conscious that I block them all out. then I’m angry when no one feels the need to push me and force me to tell them my troubles or cry on there shoulder (metaphorically.) I know I don’t want to do it so It’s kinda hypocritical of me to want others to do it for me.  

I don’t want someone to be nice. I want someone to tell me how it is, to assume command and be RIGHT bout it. I want someone to stay with me of there own choice and never get tired of me when I act the way I want because they just care that much, but I don’t trust anyone enough to do try it. I don’t wanna leave my comfort zone.

I’m so pathetic.

this all escalated very quickly. I went form complaining about not writing (kinda ironic because I ended up writing this blog thinger that no one is gonna see.) to complaining about everything that’s on my mind.

I don’t understand myself, and Yet I do. More than most teens should understand themselves. People should go around searching for it and discovering who they are, but I already know because I’ve sat here all alone for so long with no one else but me to think about and distract myself with.

Most of that comfort zone busness. I want someone to force me out of it because I’m a wimp who doesn’t wanna do it myself. I want to be a different person completely. this is probably making no sense and that’s alright because I’m here in my own little tumbler world and no one is following me or caring about this in any way shape or form. I can complain without worrying that I’m being petty and needy and pathetic and having my immage ruined because I care about it way more than I should even though the image I present isn’t the image I think I present. Especially the real life one.

I honestly don’t think that my body matches my personality. I want to be smaller and more fit with nice skin and an easy smile so I don’t feel like a freaking mammoth surrounded by moths. I’m freaking HUGE compaired to everyone else around me. I know it’s not like this everywhere but the place where I’m stuck at, mostly cause I’m to much of a wuss to complain and get somethings from my parents cause of the freeloatihonafkdsjnadj

fuck life.

anyway, everyone is either 

a.) a white male

b.) white, short and fat

c.) white, short and skinny

d.) white, tall and skinny

How the hell am I supposed to fit in here!? I know I don’t really look all that different if you take my hair out of the picture but still. I can’t hep but notice how you have to be tiny and delicate looking to get a boyfriend who is attractive and not wimpy and a pushover. You also have to be able to put yourself out there and I have no problem doing that when people i don’t know are around because I don’t have to worry about them mentioning it and not knowing how to act because FUCK EVERYTHING

meh.

I don’t want too make sense. I feel very inadequate. 

All the time.

I don’t feel like I’m allowed to have a personality (and here’s an excuse) because of the people around me.

I don’t want to me talked about by my mother to everyone else she’s ever met whether she likes them or not. I don’t want my classmates to think or know anything about me yet I want to be close to them. I am afraid of being judged and think that not having any distinguishable traits will keep tat from happening while at the same time I want to be judged and to come out looking better than everyone else. I don’t want to spend any time in the middle ground or even the low ground because that means that people will make fun and I don’t know how to handle that.

at all

cause i’m a wimp.

I AM PATHETIC.

I want to shout that. I want to be emotional and SHOW my emotions even though I don’t really understand what that means. I feel so much crap but I don’t know what face I should make. Life is not a manga. I can’t find someone who makes me make those expressions without thinking. I will not fall in love with anyone who loves me back because I don’t talk with anyone I like. I watch them from a distance, romanticize their personalities and make up stupid stories in my head because I’m pathetic and wimpy and insecure. 

I want to be around people who know how incredibly possessive I am of everything I feel belongs to me- that includes people. I want to be around people who know how much I actually love romance and dirty things because I’m a secret pervert who’d practically dying (being dramatic here) inside because I can’t find someone I care about who I can do those things with and not feel disgusting and fat and weird. I want to be pretty. I wanna try wearing dresses without people going “Oh hey, you look like a girl for once!” because I actually have feelings and that hurts. Just because i don’t squeal when A basketball flies at my head or I fall out of a tree and am bleeding doesn’t mean that I am not a girl. I’m just afraid to be a girl because I’ve rejected it for so long because I WAS SCARED. I don’t even want to write why here cause I want to pretend it didn’t happen. Sound dramatic and traumatizing but it’s nowhere near as bad as it sounds. it probably warped me a bit but it’s not like others haven’t been warped too. I’m actually not all that weird. I like odd things but I think everything through logically. I like things to be in order, if not neat. 

I want a lot of things. I want to be alone to exercise so i don’t feel fat and stupid and embarrassed cause I don’t know what kind of face to make then.

I want to talk to guys and just outright tell them “Hey, I think you are attractive. I think you’re funny. I like your smile. I thought you were cute a while ago actually but you and everyone else made fun of me so much that I was to insecure to change myself up and look pretty and try to get your attention. I want you to like me while I’m like this before I try to look good beside you and while I know that’s a lot to ask as I’m not all that pretty and that’s actually something important in a relationship I still hope that it will happen someday. I know you probably aren’t as nice as you seem. I bet you even have a girlfriend. Girls just don’t go confessing there love, or at least I don’t think they do. I don’t have any girl friends to ask this about who won’t start bugging me about things I don’t want to, and yet want to talk about. It’s confusing I know. In short, I want to know about you. Everything about you. I also want you to want to know about me. Everything about me. 

I know you wont’ though because you aren’t as nice as I have made you out to be in my head. you will probably go tell someone and joke about this later and I will be embarrassed and feel stupid and shy away from you and relationships even more because of it even though I know it’s not that important in the long run and you will forget and they will forget. That’s all.” 

but honestly, who would really do that? maybe on a day I’m feeling confident. On a day where I know I’ll never see him of his friends or anyone else who might here about it ever again.

well this turned into something odd.

I can’t think of anything else to talk about besides my boy problems. Goes to show that I’m actually a girl on the inside.

see? even I do it. But it doesn’t hurt when I do It so I feel like it’s alright even as my self confidence plummets to dangerous levels.

hey, wanna know what I think about?

Other than the perverted things that i’m to embarrassed to write or say aloud.

I’m been thinking about prom. I want to wear a nice dress with long sleeves that covers the scars on my shoulders from acne that I refused to stop picking. I made myself stop now because I want my skin to be nice and, after having a small taste of it recently have found myself actually trying to do it.

I don’t wanna wear a ball gown, or a dress with a jacket or a wrap or s trumpet or mermaid skirt thing. I want a simple yet classy thing in a green or blue color, maybe purple because even I know that they look much better on me than other colors. Pink would probably look good too.  A light pink but I don’t want people to think I’m too girly so I through that out. Brown wouldn’t look bad but wearing brown to prom isn’t a good idea. I don’t want to be though of weirdly. Stupid I know but I can’t help but thinking insecure thoughts like this.

I am too embarrassed to talk about this with my family cause I know my mother with find out and then talk about it with my family and it pisses me off and embarrasses me because she’s to freakin gossipy and I don’t like being talked about where I can hear.

I would ask my sister but either she would tell my mother or something else. Plus she has boyfriend troubles that I don’t understand because I don’t think I’d put up with leaches no matter how pretty they are. My other sister.I don’t see her often. It wouldn’t be a bad Idea to ask her but she doesn’t understand how I don’t want them to know and I don’t want to admit anything about being insecure to her because it would get out or I’d be thought of as weak. 

I don’t wanna be weak. Even if it’s only in her mind- not that that would happen cause i’m just over thinking this- but yep. 

I want to work out someplace where no one else is because I don’t think anyone will want me because of my slight muffin top. stupid but I can’t help where my brain takes me. I actually kind of like it. Weird, I know. Not all the time mind you, just when I’m thinking clearly.

Look at this dress I think would look good on me. Expensive  I know, but it’s just too nice.

Nice, right? even in brown. I’d probably get it in….hmm. I don’t know. what color would look good on me?

Dark Purple? would probably make me look a bit pale (almost wrote tit XD)

Light blue is too light. though I should go a bit girly since i tend to look like i’m in my 20’s when I dress up. Nice for some events but don’t wanna scare anyone away.

maybe a dark green…or a pale yellow color. In the end brown look real nice though

there is another one sorta like it in green though

then there’s this one. it looks good but I don’t know about the shininess. I don’t think I’d like it. Pessimistic of me, I know 

there is the problem of the back but if I keep on my skin care regimen then it shouldn’t be a problem.

this one is good too. and it doesn’t have the awkward back thing. probably have it in a blue of the same shade. maybe purple…though I like the green

I’m so old fasioned aren’t I XD (totally put a pun in there)

Looked! even more!

Ah, I will look like a lady in waiting or something XD

the hair is a problem too. I just got it cut and i’m not sure I like it. It’s short. It needed the trim, but it’s sooooo short. It takes forever to grow to with all those coils. I don’t want to have it up but down it’s too poofy and makes me seem like i’m towering over all the guys. I like them my hieght you know XD not that I have a date or will be getting one.

My neck tends to have scars on it as well < reason for not wanting it up but I cant’ help but think things like that are cute….on other girls…probably not so much on me. I don’t have the small face or big eyes or cheekbones to pull it off. I am also pale. that might not make sense to you (not that anyone is reading this) but to me it feels like it affects EVERYTHING fashion wise.

I’m not very fashionable though.

Not at all. Not horrid mind you, just not fashionable 

I feel so much better after ranting. I’mm also very tired. I shouldn't be cause I've only been up and moving for about six hours and I honestly haven’t been moving much, but I am. Probably cause I've been online and staring at the screen for so long.

eh. well. I have nothing left to say.

written yesterday